An Ode to the Onepiece

The Onepiece is an article of outwear that looks, generally, a little something like this.

*colours and pattern may vary*

It is a piece of outdoor gear to be marvelled over, a combination of wonder.  The sealing of pants and jacket as one forever changed the unkind fate of waist line snow burn, the unsightly mistake of plumber's crack, and above all - the doom of the dreaded back shivers.

Commonly known as the "onepiece" or the "onesie" it also goes by other names; the fartsack, the snapsuit, the bodysuit, the shapesuit, the curve-hugger, the gaper, the gerber, the velcro, and the list must go on though I'm unable to provide more.

For generations the onesie has been passed down, first worn by our forefathers in the early 70's - at that time, as a statement of outright, vivacious fashion.  To don a onepiece at that time meant extreme practicality, style and the right to be seen.  It is no wonder that the collars of every onepiece from those days still in existence today boast security, masculinity, and freedoom.  Each onepiece is unique to it's owner; like a prized child, an honour, not simply a possession.  Wearing a onepiece means taking care not to tarnish a fabulous, decades old reputation of quality.

Sophie is modelling the "top down" option.  The wearer of a onesie is always in control of their temperature, and this great feature can be sported quite stylishly while maintaining composure.  If the sleeves of a onepiece are long enough, don't hesitate to tie them in a knot in the front.

It is with pride in our hearts that we Katimavictims adopted the onesie lifestyle, and continue to glorify this terrific way of being.  It is a privilege to be given such an opportunity.  Truth be told, we find ourselves envious of the days when flaunting a onepiece was not an extreme statement of fashion, but merely a tool for everyday life.  The average day becomes supernatural when in a onesie; one's life is drastically altered.  Everyday tasks become an available task to be performed in a onesie.  Laundry becomes exciting, eating dinner can be a miraculous event.. hold on.. "Could I shower in this thing..?"  (a quote from Martin Napier)  Outings become unusual and festive by simply changing from our common attire.  Colour is put back into our drained and tired world when the group of us 8 onesies glide down rue Notre Dame in gracious left, right, left.  In chilly Quebec we have found many uses for our multicoloured onepieces, and try to execute their outings professionally and with great pride.

As the Spiderman movies sensationalized: "With great power, comes great responsibility."

There are rules to wearing a onepiece.

Rule #1 - Never deny a friend the right to a onepiece.  If you are lucky enough to know the whereabouts of a marvellous, colourful onepiece, and your friend desires such an article, it is your civic duty to bestow this knowledge upon your friend.  It is, one might say, the greatest gift you can give a fellow winter-man.

Rule #2 - Stride is everything.  Let go of all inhibitions and allow your hips to swing in their natural pattern of sway.  The derrière is everything to a onepiece, and if your bum is not wigglin', you best take that onesie off.  A onepiece is a curve hugger, and you must allow all natural curves to be let loose.  Don't worry about shoulders at first, their swag will come with the flow of your hips in good time.

*Stride Tip*
Save that swag for when in boots; a swag on sticks will ruin your turns, and possibly deter the gaze of a passerby skier, when his attention should be to downhill obstacles.

Rule #3 - It is always acceptable to wear bright sunglasses with the onepiece.  Yes, even at nighttime.

Rule #4 - Loose that extra layer! -  The biggest crime one can commit is covering the uppermost portion of one's onesie with more outdoor wear; why cover something so perfect?!  If in dire need, a translucent covering is pushing the limits, though bearably acceptable, if the intention is to save the condition of the onepiece.  Understand the dress-code of honour, and do your best to respect.  Ponchos need never be matched with a onepiece.  For footwear fashion while commuting, Reeboks area an acceptable choice.

Rule #4.5 - No backpacks.  The onesie is a bag all on its own.  Store your lunch in the overstuffed collar that warms your neck, keep your mobile device in one of the many convenient pockets, and when in doubt, secure your waist belt at a tight setting and store goods just above, ensuring your zipper is fastened.  Don't worry - they're not going anywhere!

*The exception to this rule is for those with the addition of a child.  Yes, you may store your infant in a seatypack on your back; that would be best.

Rule #5 - This rule comes to me from the net, though I believe it is written for saftey purposes and feel a need to warn those wishing to travel with their onepiece.  Do not wear a onepiece in Colorado.  By the sounds of it, you're likely to be leaving Colorado without it, and most of your other belongs, including your dignity.  This rule may be applied to other destinations, more research to come.

Rule #6 - Don't hesitate to hate! Upon viewing a tardy attempt at a onepiece (commonly known as the "matching snowsuit") allow yourself to obtain a look of confusion, even disgust.  How insensible such apparel is. Provide yourself with an optimal vantage point and allow internal laughing to commence. Personal thoughts are best kept silent however; a onesie-wearer is proud, but modest.

Rule #7 - When in a crowd of fellow Gerbers...
Celebrate.  Dance.  Rejoice.  The wearers of onesies are a gracious people, of cheers and boasts and compliments.  They are a crowd of colour who tastefully represent the most practical way to contain a human body during winter months, and the times shared between the members of the onesie extended family are often of great value.  The lasting (or.. temporary..) friendships you will create with other Gerbers will be some of your fondest connections.

Rule #8 - Retro Day is Every Day.  Why wait?  What good is that fartsack doing gathering dustbunnies at the back of your closet?  Why not don the showstopper on an idle Tuesday?  The occasional outing won't do it any harm, provided you save a clean snow day for its playdate with the elements.  For best results, ski with other Gerbers, and be sure to use the swagger (as described above) when entering and exiting public restrooms.

Rule #9 - Extend the destination.  Why keep a onepiece solely for winter excursions?  Sure that garment holds a solid function when in snowy winter conditions, but have you never considered the many other feasible options for a onepiece outing?  Take that onepiece to the supermarket, the kid's soccer game, church and even to the club.

Case Studies and Examples

"With great power comes great responsibility.."

It is believed by many (notably, Chuck Norris) that this statement applies specifically to the owners of onepieces everywhere, and was only used in different context as an international deterrent from the aquisition of a onepiece by all people, everywhere.  This clear attempt at corporative allusion is basically a scheme to keep countries spending coveted dollars on overseas wars.  What would our world become if everyone owned a onepiece?, one might ask themself.

Allow me to seriously enlighten you.

The wearer of a onepiece can be any human being, save a quadriplegic.  As a onepiece is the most incredible insulator, the wearer is always warm.  When human beings are warm they are happy.  When human beings are happy there is little need to bicker, occupy foreign land, annex hostages or throw bombs.

My dear friend Sophie said recently, "I am always happy in my onepiece."

The truth is spoken.  If all humans everywhere had access to free, clean onepieces our troubled world would have less conflict and the assurance of warmth. It has been nearly scientifically proven that wearing such a costume makes the average human being a better person.  No Gerber ever wants to start a war, no Gerber sees the need for war!

Perhaps this state of mind comes literally from the original Gerbers - babies.  Perhaps the carefree and peaceful attitudes of darling children has been sewn into the lining of each fartsack, and sporting such attire causes the wearer to effectively utilize such qualities.

Like any fashion trend there are, of course, several ways of wearing the onesie which are unacceptable and shunned.

This must be some sort of joke.. camo onesie.. 

This would mean the wearer is pro happiness and pro man slaughter.. choose a side already. 

(Couldn't find an outdoor onesie so these pajama onesies will have to do.)

Let's take a look at some classic onepiece extremism.  K2.

Many people strongly dislike this film.

But opinions aside! See how that man struts his mountain presence in his onepiece! 

View his determined face! Observe how he clearly possesses strength beyond normality; the strength to get him and his friends up the second tallest mountain in the world! (almost..a few of them die..)

This strength does not come from years of preparation or experience, pshh, no!  This strength is merely within their reach due to the fact that they all wear onepieces in the film! How else would everyday Hollywood actors be capable of striving to such feats as this movie presents? This is an excellent representation of obtaining a onepiece for bearing the elements and also looking intimidating/like a telletubbie.

Most of all, remember - The uniform doesn't make you brave.
Attitude is everything when wearing a onesie; simply putting on a bib before the gun fires doesn't make you a competitor!  You must run the race if you hope to achieve the status of a sportsman.

Let me know when you find your onesie,
Petra